I was “born a Muslim” so to speak. Some of you know my parents; they are “chill parents”. They encouraged me to read relentlessly. Also to argue with them annoyingly about everything the minute I could do so. Our discussions ranged from my theory about how doing one’s bed was pointless since one is to undo it at night anyways, to discussing the use of religion (Islam). They are both practicing Muslims (now at least, my mom used to pretend she prayed, sorry mom).
Growing older I read more and more philosophy and studied it in UWCad as part of the IB. I grew tired of the proofs of God’s existence. Mostly, “God” is explained away by most Islamic philosophers and later their western peers. The leading arguments range from “necessity” to a ridiculous “never take chances”.
Thus I had a strong conviction that God’s existence cannot be proved nor does he “exist” (I flip-flopped between accepting and negating it). This is very comfortable and “compatible” with Islam; since it stresses the uniqueness of the divine and its complete separation from the material world. Thus it doesn’t disrupt an empirical understanding of the world (there would have been a problem if there was a material “son of God” or “a retired Pope” and the like).
To me, Islam was the perfect religion in terms of utility-provided and “logical requirements”; prayer was relaxing, fasting healthy, and helping others fun… I practiced some religious duties and broke most religious commands. But my faith in God dwindled as I thought that Muslims were “feeling the divine presence” just because Islam made them “better humans” in general. I continued to defend the existence of God on an intellectual level because I believed his effects can only be beneficial, at least in my reading of the Quran. Moreover, political Islam provided hope in a world of political corruption and decadent democracies.
Today I feel different. I feel like one of these cheesy “convert to Islam ads”. The following is my short account of the day:
I went to the mosque instead of solo prayer. It was usual; I was scared that somebody might steal my motorcycle and shoes, some people put on too much perfume and other smelled of armpits. The mosque was small, old and the ceiling needed some serious renovations. Then it happened. Right as I left; I felt that thing in my heart that one experiences when one is really in love with somebody: my chest was really light and when I relaxed my face-muscles my lips drew a voluntary smile. My instinct kept telling me constantly that great things lay ahead of me, sort of like when I was at the airport leaving for UWCad. My motorcycle didn’t feel like me though, it broke and the repair guy told me it was Saturday evening and he doesn’t really feel like fixing it. Usually I would think “Damn lazy Tunisian HS dropout be sipping tea instead working” and I would despise him for a second. Today I thought to myself “Damn lazy Tunisian HS dropout be sipping tea instead working” but didn’t get mad, far from it, I believe if I was gay I would have even fallen in love with the pretty repair guy.
Just like love, there is an urge to tell people about such an experience. I think I understand why the people who try to convert people do it, in a sense. I used to say in disdain “let them do their thing, they have internet connection in the street now and they can read”. However, “it” feels really good and new. How can anyone but share it with the world? I just think that this purely-existential experience cannot be always framed linguistically…
Honestly, I did not change much practically. I think I was already considered “a nice and cool guy” by society’s standards and I still feel cool and my jokes seem to be working thus far. I miss the pot smoking circles in my college and above all I miss my girlfriend whom I love. I tried not to look too long at pretty girls on my way back from the Mosque but Tunisian woman make it hard…
I don’t know if “it” will continue. I hope it is not just my hair cut (didn’t cut my hair for long), or my grandmother’s food (hadn’t tasted it for long too) making me feel good or something of that sort. I wish I had my parents, Itay-stealChicken-beachBQ +Philadoxi friends, and my good Tunisian friends so that I could share my new thoughts (and borrow some money, living alone is expensive!).
If the feeling gives away to my usual state of being, I promise my readers that I will update them. Foes before friends know whether or not I will keep that promise. Honestly I hope I won’t have to and that it lasts.
Dear readers, friends and family, share your thoughts with me in comments bellow or send me private messages if need be. In my experience, every time I discussed a cliché pro-religion topic I also accumulated threats and disdain from angry Tunisian atheists. That is welcome too (mainly because I don’t think they will actually kill me, and I can tell people that I get death threats which is cool at age 21)…
TO BE CONTINUED.
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I am not Muslim (I happen to be of the retired Pope believing type of person) but I find your article wonderfully refreshing and it gave me pause for reflection. Hope your journey continues and I await to hear the next part.
I think it’s very refreshing to hear of how even those born into Islam can and often DO embark on their own spiritual journeys. I believe that the vast majority of us from Muslim families still go through a transition in life whereby religion becomes a personal and sincere thing, rather than ones cultural or familial habits. Spiritual and religious discovery is certainly not exclusive to converts and really should be encouraged more! Curiosity is a great thing and can only lead to gaining a greater conviction in oneself, and by extension one’s chosen beliefs. I wish you all the best insha Allah 🙂
I’m reading this a year behind, and I’m wondering; Are you still the same?
In any case, what made you change? And how did you change? What are you now?
You mentioned that you are still considered a ”nice and cool guy”. Do you think that contradicts with your new status? I mean, why does the concept of being religious and cool at the same time sound foreign? …
Well, this is my story, I wanted to share:
As a kid, I grew up influenced by what my parents and family taught me. I’ve been a practicing Muslim up until two years ago. I still am, but I slack, sometimes too much. The thing you were talking about, has been fading away a little by little, and now I don’t really know what I have become and how I’m supposed to act. I am very puzzled; A little sorry that I don’t feel ”it” strongly anymore, and fairly happy because I’m living the way I do..
Any comments, ideas, or advice, Mr.Author?